Intercepted Communications
by Taylor Hayes
Summary: Kirk to Bones, and Bones to Kirk communications, and how the rest of the crew of the Enterprise reacts, written by myself and Kate Wicker. May continue later. We'll see.
1. Chapter 1

**INTERCEPTED COMMUNICATIONS**

a/n So, this is another one that me and Kate Wicker wrote together. We were being a little crazy, and this is the result.

**Kirk to Bones:** Do you have any muffins?

**Bones to Kirk:** Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a baker! Don't you have paperwork to be doing?

**Kirk to Bones:** Nah, Chekov's doing it. And Spock is off doing ambassador things, Sulu told me to leave the bridge 'cause I backseat drive (I don't backseat drive! I'm captain, dang it!), Uhura's not talking to me because of that thing in the mess last week, Scotty and Gaila are rebuilding part of the engine and told me to go away before I set something on fire again, and I'm hungry.

**Bones to Kirk:** Then go to the mess and get a salad, dammit, and quit bothering me! Some of us have work to do! McCoy OUT!

**Kirk to Bones:** Booooooones! I'm boooooooooooored! …so, doing any fun surgeries in medbay I can watch?

**Bones to Kirk:** NO! The only one on this ship stupid enough to end up in my surgery is YOU. …I'm taking lunch in 5 minutes. Meet you there.

**Kirk to Bones:** Okay! …What do you think the crew would do if I played something over the intercom? I got this great Andorian pop rock collection and-

**Kirk to Bones:** Sorry I cut off on you. Chekov decided to come with to lunch. He wants to cut your roast beef. *wiggles eyebrows*

**Bones to Kirk:** …Jim…I have nothing to say to that. Stop corrupting him! And not Andorian pop songs - I don't want to fix your eardrums again!

**Kirk to Bones:** It was completely worth it! You almost threw up when you heard it! And I'm not corrupting Chekov, I'm just translating his Russian.

**Kirk to Bones (cont.):** *wink*

**Kirk to Bones:** Bones?

**Kirk to Bones:** Booooooooones?

**Kirk to Bones:** Are you ignoring me? *pout*

**Kirk to Bones: **Fine. I'll find something to do with Chekov. And I'll get Scotty and Gaila to help me.

**Kirk to Bones:** Bones?

**Kirk to Bones:** I'm still hungry. Are you ever going to show up so I can eat?

**Kirk to Bones:** Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bo-

**Spock to McCoy:** Doctor, your medical expertise is required in the ship's mess. If you would be so good as to collect the captain, he somehow tripped and knocked himself unconscious while waiting on your arrival. We would all feel more secure if we could be assured of his physical wellbeing.

**McCoy to Spock:** I'll be there in 2 minutes.

_Bones arrived at the mess hall and stared down in annoyance at the crumpled form of the ship's captain. Crossing his arms, he sighed and looked over at the Vulcan first officer._

_"Get the idiot to medbay and I'll deal with him there."_

_With a nod, Spock bent and hefted Kirk easily over his shoulder, then moved out of the room and down the hall._

_Left behind, Bones sighed again, rubbing his forehead._

_…_

_When Captain James T. Kirk came to, he found himself strapped tightly down to a biobed, an I.V. taped into his arm._

_In confusion, he tossed his head around, eyes searching the room. "What the heck-?" Then his gaze met Bones', who sat casually in the chair beside him. Smirking triumphantly and eating a muffin._

_As Jim opened his mouth, Bones cut him off, a wide grin spreading across his face. "Y'know, kid, patience is a virtue. Even the Hobgoblin thinks so."_

_Then Bones added something to the I.V., and before Jim could protest, the world started to fade._

_He passed out of consciousness again to the troubling sound of Bones' hearty laughter._

_…_

**Kirk to Bones: **An I.V., Bones? That's CHEATING. Not to mention, SO last century. Just wait. I'll get you back for this. Now will you please come to bed so I can get some sleep?

**Bones to Kirk:** You know, you're a spoiled brat, kid. Just go to sleep. I'll be there soon.

**Kirk to Bones:** Liar. Spock said he just saw you make a new pot of coffee. Either you come to bed RIGHT NOW, or I come to medbay and get you.

**Bones to Kirk:** Damn, you're needy.

**Kirk to Bones:** Which means?

**Bones to Kirk:** …I'll be down in two minutes. Happy, you brat?

**Kirk to Bones:** Yup, actually I am. *grin* I love you, Bones.

**Bones to Kirk:** I love you too, you idiot.

**Kirk to Bones:** Oh yeah. And can you bring me a muffin?

**Spock to Kirk:** Captain, I just now passed Doctor McCoy in the hall. He was headed in the direction of his quarters, wherein I assume you are already, and was muttering something about muffins. He appeared to be in a more pronounced bad mood than I have observed most days. I have come to the conclusion that it is only fair to forewarn you, for my actions toward you earlier, which led to your unconscious state. I hope to see you on the bridge tomorrow, and wish you what humans term "luck", as to your survival and continued good health through the night.

**Kirk to Spock:** Uh, yeah. Thanks, Spock. I can really tell that you care. Anyway, I don't need luck. Miss Georgia happens to love me. *confident smile*

**Spock to Kirk:** Of course, Captain.

**Spock to Medbay:** Nurse Chapel, please prepare two biobeds. One for Captain Kirk, the other for Doctor McCoy.

**Chapel to Spock:** One of THOSE nights, huh? *sigh* Message received.

**Spock to Chapel:** You know how to proceed?

**Chapel to Spock:** Either it'll end up as something for the female ensigns to daydream about… Or I'll have two hypos waiting for my favorite pair of idiot lovebirds.

**Spock to Chapel: **Well put, Nurse Chapel. Carry on.

**fin.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Intercepted Communications Pt. 2**

**Kirk to Bones:** Poppies... you can make opium out of those, right?

**Bones to Kirk: **Yeah, but... why? JIM SO HELP ME-! If you start making opium I WILL hypo you into oblivion.

**Kirk to Bones: **I just thought Spock could take a little loosening up? ...Would opium work on a Vulcan, O wonderful xenobiologist of mine? *grin*

**Bones to Kirk: **Oh. No, it wouldn't. Sorry Jim. And, you do realize Spock watches these now, right?

**Kirk to Bones:** ? NO WAY!

**Spock to Kirk & Bones:** The two of you do understand that shipwide broadcasts are not -and never will be- personal?

**Kirk to Bones: **Ooops. Wrong button.

**Bones to Kirk: **Enjoy your shift today Jim. *evil smirk*

**Kirk to Bones: **Bones? *tiny whimper* Save me?

**Spock to Bones:** Doctor McCoy, your presence will not be needed. Mr. Scott was good enough to deliver a number of heavy chains. I assure you, the captain will remain faithfully... tied to his duties until his shift ends. Spock out.

**Sickbay: ***wild laughter*

**Chapel to Spock:** Commander Spock, this is Nurse Chapel. Dr. McCoy seems to be having some kind of fit of hysterics? Should I sedate him, or is this all your fault?

**Spock to Chapel:** ...Sedation is ...unnecessary. Thank you, Nurse Chapel.

**Chapel to Spock:** Sure, Commander. *sigh* The things I put up with-

**fin.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Intercepted Communications Pt. 3**

**Kirk to Bones:** Do we have to sit through this whole thing?

**Bones to Kirk:** Kid…

**Kirk to Bones:** Yeeeees?

**Bones to Kirk:** It's a goddamn fleet-wide briefing. _Yes_, we have to sit through the entire damn thing _and_ listen.

**Kirk to Bones:**But that's boring! Don't you think this is boring?

**Bones to Kirk: **Yeah, well, I think your briefings on the _Enterprise_ are boring. And so far, that hasn't made one damn bit of difference.

**Kirk to Bones:** You think _my_ briefings are boring? My briefings are exciting, informative, and vital for the well-being of the crew! You're a doctor, dammit! You should appreciate that!

**Bones to Kirk:** Jim, hourly updates on your state of mind are none of the above, and the fact that you announce those to the entire _Enterprise_ makes them briefings.

**Kirk to Bones:** *sticks out tongue*

**Bones to Kirk:** Nice, Jim. How very mature and captain-like.

**Kirk to Bones:** *pout* Why aren't you nicer to me, Bones? You're my bestest best friend!

**Bones to Kirk:** And I quote, "But that's boring!"

**Kirk to Bones:** *angry frown*

**Scotty to Kirk, Bones:** It's been discovered that the two of you are the loudest folks onboard, even when you aren't talking.

**Bones to Scotty:** What the hell is that supposed to mean?

**Scotty to Kirk, Bones:** My meaning is that the two of you aren't even talking out loud, and we can all still tell that you're arguing just by the looks on your faces.

**Chekov to Kirk, Bones:** He is right.

**Sulu to Kirk, Bones:** Scotty hit the nail on the head.

**Spock to Kirk, Bones:** Mr. Scott is correct.

**Uhura to Kirk, Bones:** What I want to know is why the two of you can't leave each other alone for more than five minutes.

**Kirk to Bones, Crew:** Well, hot damn! I had no idea everyone was so interested in watching me that closely. Then again, I am fabulous. But just remember, my heart will always belong to Bones!

**Leonard McCoy**_ has blocked incoming text messages from _**James Kirk**.

**Kirk to Bones:** Really, Bones?

_Message was blocked._

**Kirk to Crew:** Guys, you will never believe what Bones just-

**Nyota Uhura**, **Spock**, **Hikaru Sulu**, **Pavel Andreovich Chekov**, _and_** Montgomery Scott** _have blocked incoming text messages from _**James Kirk**.

_Jim stared down at his PADD. "Well, crap."_

_"What was that, Captain Kirk?" Admiral Archer paused to ask from the viewing screen._

_Jim jumped and looked up. "Nothing, Admiral."_

_"Very good."_

To: "Leonard McCoy"; "Montgomery Scott"; "Hikaru Sulu"; "Pavel Andreovich Chekov"; "Spock"; "Nyota Uhura"

From: "Jim Kirk"

Subject: Really, guys? Really?

**_Dear Crew,_**

**_Whatever happens on this ship in the next week is _ALL YOUR FAULT_. Just fyi._**

**_JK_**


End file.
